I stand there and I say things I don't mean. I just don't know how to control my words. I wish I was capable, I wish I was not so mean. I am more like my dad than I ever want to admit. I hate the way I respond to things, my siblings were right, I am a drama queen. I thrive off of conflict and I blow everything out of porportion. I have absolutely no self control and I hate it. I wish I was different. Whenever I am in a relationship I hate myself. I am selfish, needy and irrational. This is why I loved that period where I was single. I had time to practice and I didn't feel guilty, I had my time to myself. I could  get away, I could act however I want without someone always wanting to know what I am doing and where I am and who I am texting. Whenever I get to know someone well the worst of me comes out. I should just keep people at a distance, not let them see how I really am, a horrible, selfish, mean person. Just like Paul said of himself, I am the worst sinner there is. I need God so much in my life to help me control this crazy person because I am not capable of doing it myself and I am about to give up. I love my boy, I love him so much and when I hurt him I hate myself. I hurt him so often. Why do I do stuff like that? Lord, take away my pride, change my heart and make me new. I am sick of who I am, sick of how I act. Take my life and change it. Lord, make me into someone who You can be proud of because I hate how I am now.

Seriously, there is so much I can handle. I can riding my bike in a rain storm.  I can handle super cold weather. I cannot handle 110 degree weather. I just hate being hot and sweaty. It makes me angry and grumpy.  I hate being sticky and dirty and not being able to get cool.  I had to work in a place with a broken ac and I just about died. I never want to deal with that again. It was hell. I really need to get a new job. Starbucks wears me out and I have such a hard time being happy and showing the Lord through me when I am there. It just makes me angry and causes me to be stressed out. I need to be grateful for my job and praise God but it is so hard when I really have a hard time loving my job. It is probably because I have been there for way too long and need to get out. I just cant because I have bills to pay. It is frustrating! I only get through it everyday because of the grace of God. He is so very good to me.

I have come to a point in my life where I realize that there are some things in life that you can't hold on to no matter how hard you try.  There are things that are out of your control and you have to trust God to do His work and stop trying to do it for Him.  It is a hard thing to give up to Him something that you put so much time and energy and nurture into and just hope that it is His will for it to turn out the right way.  I wanted so bad to fix everything about it.  To make it the way I thought was right but it wasn't my job.  It is God's job and I wish I had seen earlier the importance of trusting Him.  All I can do is pray and do His will and hope for the best. I trust that God will do the right thing for everything with God is right and good. I am so grateful to my  amazing sisters and my dear Austin for helping me through this. Especially Monet. God truly has blessed me with amazing people and I can never praise Him enough for them!